The grieving heart is a real thing.
You grieve what you lost.
You grieve for what you will never get back.
You grieve because your life has forever changed and no one will ever understand that.
You grieve because you miss everything you once had.
Time goes by,
Then you grieve because you fear no one will ever want you again.
You grieve because it seems no matter what you do, not one ever meets your desires.
You grieve because if someone does meet your idea, they have no interest in you. Story of my life, LOL
If you see sadness in my eyes, it is just a reflection of my grieving heart.

Gobble Gobble day. I should be anywhere but here doing anything but wasting time. but my cooking is done and people are doing their own thing. And thus I am by myself again. Do I feel used and abused for my cooking abilities? LOL Of course. LOL No not really. So if you are by yourself today know you are not alone. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving in whatever you choose to do today.

The weather is a changing crisp cool days and right down chilly nights. My favorite time of the year. The hoodies have been brought out, extra blankets laid across the bed.
Everything about this excited me. Football games, falling leaves (as long as I don't have to rake them). Gobble gobble day is upon us once more. Nothing beats the smell of Thanksgiving Day food being fixed... Well maybe Christmas. Lol.
In all our celebration excitement let's not forget. we are blessed. Not everyone is so lucky to have a warm place to call home, or hot food, or for some anyone to share the day with.
When giving thanks this year send a little prayer to all those who are lost alone or in need.
It's not always about monetary means. It's helping when and where you can. Holding a door open for the person behind you. A kind word or gesture. Volunteering at food banks or shelters. These things may seem simple and unimportant, but you are wrong. One small gesture can change someone's outlook. Make their day better. Bring a smile to someone's face.
So be the reason someone smiles today. It's infectious.

Your so vain.... I could not resist. Cheesy I know but what you gonna do. LOL Well today it is about you. Feeling a little sappy and probably loopy. Lack of sex err I mean sleep will do that to you. So, guess you will have to deal with it.
My bestie. Yes, today I honor you in my blog. I have told you never insert yourself in my blog as this is my therapy. I mean that. But today you have every right to do so.
You have made my online life such a better place to be. I hope you know that. You never let me get too into myself and are always so levelheaded. Letting me know always it could be worse. (yeah, wondering if you say that to shut me up?) LOL You have a knack of also not letting me fly too close to the sun, meaning when my brain goes into overdrive, and I start over thinking Everything You always call me on it. I appreciate that more then you know.
Your smartass replies and banter are a constant source of joy for me. You make me laugh and smile all day long. What a gift that is. You also are really the biggest pest I have ever known. Honest... I swear I am solemnly up to no good. Normal right! LOL
I just want to tell you from my heart, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your world, for trusting me enough, for putting up with my goofy ass and my picks, pokes, and pinches. The random water balloons, and snowballs aimed at your big ole head, and for giving it right back. For caring enough about me to check up on me throughout the day and for always having my back. You know that goes both ways. You are without a doubt the best sweet cake pusher I have ever known... and you have my loyalty forever. LOL Or until the sugar wears off. LOL just kidding.
Not sure if you know it or not (Sure you do, as your Spidey instincts are far superior then all others) I value your opinion and like knowing I can ask you anything even at a risk of being teased. I listen to things you tell me and store that information away. You teach me things, things I did not even know I wanted to learn about. And I am not mad about that.
In closing I will say, I love and adore you dear friend. I will always be your biggest cheerleader, and fan. Now be nice to me or else! Remember I know things. Hahaha Hugs my KK. (I doubt you will even read this and never respond. Yeah, I know you.) The Brat.

What say you? I feel like I am entering a new chapter in my life. The valleys have had many ups and downs, crazy and fun adventures. The lows were gut wrenching while the highs euphoric.
Things and people I once held dearly and close to my bosom have seemed to be drifting away. I would have at one time started to panic and grab tighter to them. However now it seems futile. You can't make people like you, respect you and want you no matter what you do. Hard lesson learned. And if I am honest with myself and you there was a bit of a sting learning that lesson. Do I wish things had of been different? Yes. I wish I was smarter wiser and did not let people into my head to do their damage. When someone I love and care for tells me I'm not good enough for this or that I listen. Too much it seems. So much to the point I will let it stop me from trying to achieve what I was aiming for in the first place.
I have started to pull back and ask myself "Why?" What is the reason to tear someone's hopes and dream down to the raw core. For my benefit or theirs? I may never know. I shall put my shield up and protect myself. And bank the experience in my head to be retained for another time. I can tell you the old saying fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me, is true. Do not think because I did not walk away from you that it is forgotten. That there will never be any fall out from your choices and the way you belittled me and treated me. Making me feel small and my issues small and meant nothing to you. Because as much as you hurt me you did not destroy me. You just made me open my eyes and see the issue was and has never been me but you. However, there was a time I thought it was about me, was my fault. You were right I was not good enough smart enough, not perfect enough for you or anyone. As a result, I spent many too many hours of the day trying to fix myself to be perfect for you. A feat that is impossible and will never be achieved by anyone. Knowing this is like waking from a coma. The rest was healing but now it's time to live again. With or without you. That will be your choice not mine. I will not beg you and worry about your choices. If you wish to live the life you are living, then knock yourself out. But you will not drag me down with you.
I am allowing myself to be set free from the mental bondage that has held me hostage for far too long. So, in conclusion, I can honestly tell you. You could have been something remarkable and out of this world unique. You could have had one person in your life who would have never betrayed you, hurt you or lied to you ever. That was a rare gift to give someone. Watch your back as now there is one less person who loves you to the depths of your soul. Peace and love to all.

Have you ever wondered if some friendships are meant to be fleeting or last a lifetime? .I find myself perplexed over this from time to time. I have kept my circle small all my life. I have never had a huge circle of friends. I have often times been blindsided by their lack of care or even gumption to work on said friendships. I know it is always two sided. It takes two to make any friendship grow and stay strong. I too have been guilty of sliding and not doing what I should to make a friendship strong. No excuses other than I am a crappy friend and for that I am sorry. I tend to push people away before I get hurt. Have done that all my life. Although I have tried to be a better friend. I work hard to keep them going. Although at times it seems no matter how hard I work just never enough. Maybe Karma's way of paying me back for being a Douch bag of a friend all those years.
I know the pain I inflicted and now I feel it myself. Maybe I am destin to keep a small circle or have no friends at all. Not like my life is a social whirlwind of excitement. My biggest thrill is finding a movie I love on TV and watching it. I can not put blame on anyone's doorstep but my own.
Then you have some people you love and no matter what it is a struggle. You push and fight for it, but always are left a little deflated. I have asked myself over the years are these worth the effort. it feels one-sided at times. The right answer is probably NO. but you still push forward hoping beyond hope they will wake up and see you are worth the effort too. Has that ever worked for anyone else? So far for me I am gonna say no. After years of going the extra mile I am still no closer or better off then I was before. The flaw must be me..
I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough.. I need to try harder. I promise myself I will be more productive, and I will. Ohhh look Twisters onnnnnnn.. I'll start right after this movie.. it's my favorite ya know.. 😝

Did i ever mention i hate liar's? More then anything. Tell the truth. It hurts far less then a lie.
There are some truths that you know. You know when your ugly. You've had 50 some years of living to tell you that. Don't need a man filling your head full of lies. Telling you all the things he thinks you want to hear just so he can get what he wants from you. Ie cyber sex.. real sex.. or both. Only then to turn around and ghost you.
Why do guys do that? Yes i know they'd fuck a hole in a tree if available. Stop playing with our heads. Stop making us think there is even one shred of truth to the bull shit your spreading.
If a fuck is a fuck then call it what it is. Don't tell us we are beautiful sexy desirable when none of those things are true.. just tell us the truth. I am so fucking horney right now.. you wanna fuck. Honest.
I have seen this play out more times then I care to admit. You spend a great amount of time getting to know someone. Talking for hours. Making plans to meet. Even seeing their face via cyber or photos. So no shockers right. You meet you have sex promise to keep in touch. Then nothing. Its like you never existed. Stop! Just stop! Fuck! Just keep it real.
I have no one to blame for my needy ways. I guess i want more. I deserve more then the people i seem to attract. If i want to cyber Fuck you or even in real life. Own it. Hey friends with benefits. No emotional attachments. No expectations. A good time is had by all.
When you pump someone's head full of shit talking about the future you open thst person up to dreaming. It starts a cycle of self worthlessness. It is surely because i am so ugly. I have a face only a mother can love.
You can say well i don't wanna hurt their feelings.. stop! It hurts worse then not knowing. There are ways to deal with this and be polite and not lie to us. State from the get go what it is your doing. A fuck is a fuck. No needy bull shit.
I need to change me. I can't change you. Decide what i want. What i need and slow down. Yes i still need that sexual release. And i may wanna fuck you. But be honest. Hey we gonna hook up and then you will not hear from me again. A one and done sort of thing. Do not promise to call, text or we will get together again. No we won't.
Lol i come with my own bag.

It's almost 1 in the morning and I should be sleeping...yet another sleepless night for me. The fact that I can only sleep 2 to 4 hours a night should worry me. Yet I've lived this way for so many years it's become normal. My Drs see things differently and have tried to give me many pill that are guaranteed to knock me out. So far nothing has worked.
My mind never shuts off. It is always turning and thinking and pretty much getting me into some sort of worked up state. Oh no I have not talked to this person in five minutes they must hate me. Or I saw you online.. why didn't you say hello are you avoiding me. Yes I know it is nuts. I know these things stem from lack of sleep. Just wish everyone else did too. So they could hand me a Snickers and tell me to xxxxxxxx out of it.
I should be sleeping or if not sleeping at least in chat goofing off with the amazing people who are chatting there. Yet I am not drawn there tonight. Tonight I feel alone. I know I should not with everyone here. But it's a different kind of alone. The deep down is my soul even part of my body alone. Mind numbing at times. To reach out in the night to find no one there. The person you most rely on can not save you. At least not without drowning themselves.
Only 6 more hours and it will be daylight. I can do it. I do it every single night of my life. This is just another night... Just another night.

Oh Das I am gonna miss you. Hate losing people who became close to you.

Oh dear sweet necture. I need to get laid. Where oh where are you, brave man? I need a deep penetrating fuck that shakes me to my core. That leaves me winded and unable to walk for a short time. I need to be touched in that special way that turns me into the freaking cum slut of your dreams.