I am at the point where I just really want to put an end to the marriage. I have to admit that I am miserable. The Wife has upset my oldest daughter to the point where she will not speak to me and is unwilling to apologize. I could give a shit if I ever fuck The Ex again no matter how much I enjoy it. Sex with The Wife seems so strained, like she is trying to prove herself. I am aware that I brought some of this on myself but do not take all of the responsibility since if The Wife had not shut me out nothing would have happened with The Ex.
Got home tonight and was worn out from what was basically a 12 hour day (much of it working with The Ex), Showered and fell asleep on the sofa. The Wife woke me up to go to bed and I cannot sleep so here I am blogging my thoughts in the only place where I can put my true private thoughts down. I have to admit that I do think about ending my life, but I would not do that because I love my kids too much and I know that at least part of that is due to the meds that I am on from the seizures. so no real worries about me doing something stupid. I am glad that this place (NN) exists as a venue for me to 'record' my thoughts and get them out. I have a super busy weekend coming up again with the food truck, so at least I will be making money.
Oh, to backtrack a bit, after hinting that we would be having sex earlier this week, The Wife managed to completely avoid any intimacy despite my giving her a foot massage and lots of cuddling. Tonight she sees me obviously depressed and stressed and simply gives me a kiss on the arm and says good night. Sort of feels like a kick in the balls.

I have been working from home and fixing a few things so I checked the chemicals in the hot tub and adjusted them as needed. Texted The Wife that I had fixed the grill and checked on the Hot Tub and was headed out to get dinner fixings and her response was a big smiley text so I guess I did the right thing. We did talk as we were got up this morning about going to bed early tonight which would mean fucking and we have been talking about having sex in the hot tub (or at least fooling around there) so it should be an interesting night.
The perhaps most interesting thing is that The Ex appears to want to start fucking again but we just have been too busy working to manage anything and I am not sure I need the additional drama.

We had been fooling around a bit on the sofa watching TV, but The Wife was tired so I figured we would just go to bed and go to sleep. Uh, not really, went to bed and she started in on me again and we ended up fooling around followed by an energetic fucking (I was actually sweating). Total time was almost 90 minutes. We both had to get up early for work and it was after midnight when we were done so we were both wore out on Wednesday. No activity Wednesday or Thu8rsday night, but planning on Hot Tub tonight which should be interesting - go to go now and check the chemicals.

Was interesting. Got to our destination way too late on Friday evening and both pretty much fell in bed then had to get up early Saturday morning to get to the event that we were working at so no hanky panky at that time. Saturday evening, we went back to the hotel and cleaned up followed by an impressive dinner at a local restaurant that I had tried last year. Went back to the hotel, and got comfortable with me naked and her in a nice nightie. We started playing with each other and I was determined to tease her for as long as possible so I started with a long foot massage which appeared to get her started and followed by kissing all over her body but not hitting her nipples or pussy. After a while, I did go down on her and then we fucked and she appeared to cum twice. We relaxed for a bit and she went to start sucking on me which was quite enjoyable. While she did that, I played with her ass, kissing, stroking and moving my finger closer and closer to her ass hole. Did not penetrate, but that will happen soon I believe as she sort of gave me a go ahead as long as I use plenty of lube. We fell asleep late and slept well. I got up and showered in the morning, after showering, I came into the room and she was still laying in bed, so I kissed her and played with her nipples which lead to us fucking again.
We went to work day 2 of the event and were organized enough to actually get out pretty quickly at the end of the day. Drove home and had a nice dinner at Outback steak house, went home and watched TV. Around 10 we went to bed and I had expected to pretty much just lay down and go to sleep, but she had other ideas and ended up with her sucking me to hardness and then we fucked and both came, her with an amazing scream after which we did go to sleep.
All in all, a pretty good weekend, but still a bit confusing for me as her attitude seems to change daily. One minute she does not want me going down on her since she does not want to kiss me after I have eaten her and the next she is sucking me off after we have been fucking. At one point, she asked me 'how does it feel to know that you own this body' (referring to hers of course) and I did not answer, as I do not want to 'own' her body. It is hers, and I just want her to share it with me.

One of the things that I have been struggling with (esp with The Wife) is keeping it hard so I stopped at an adult toy store and picked up some get hard pills on Friday. The Wife did not want me to take them when we were on vacation due to health concerns so instead, I put on an old flexible cock ring that did help a bit. I still intend to try the pills that I purchased and hope that they will improve my stamina with both The Wife and The Ex.
The Wife has again (as she did about 7 or 8 years ago) decided that I am not getting to eat her despite the fact that she does seem to get off when I do which leads me to believe that she IS having an affair especially since that change came after she had lunch with a co-worker. Oh, well, I really do not care if she wants to have an affair, I just wish she would be honest about it. She has already indicated that I am not 'as big' as an early boyfriend of hers which leads me to believe that she wants larger. I am happy to provide that with a dildo or whatever - we have one that I hope to use on her this coming weekend.
Stay tuned!

So we did fuck a few times over the weekend but the lodge we stayed at was built in 1933 so had very thin walls and small rooms so no 'kinky' stuff. Going out of town again this coming weekend and we will be staying at a newer hotel where (hopefully) noise will not be such a worry.

Tonight I go to meet by myself with our marriage counselor whom we have seen together twice and The Wife has seen last week on her own. Next week we go together again. I am truly not sure where this will lead, but I figure it is worth the rather small investment to try and avoid a divorce. This weekend, we will take a vacation (the first in about 8 years - except for visiting family) and I need to see if it changes her at all or if she is a bitch as she has been on past vacations.
she says make sex spontaneous, but what that means is the same as always 'spontaneous on her terms' She has sort of made promises that things will be interesting while we are on vacation and I am tempted to try anal on her or at least DV with my dick and a vibe.
I guess I will update on Monday with how things went (or sooner if anything interesting happens).

I was on NN early this morning and thought about jerking off, but decided to save it up for The Wife so I went back to bed and lay down with her figuring that perhaps waking her up that way I might get some loving. Well, she complained that her back hurt so I got out some massage oil and massaged her back for awhile and then lay down with her again but no such luck, she wanted coffee.
She did make a sort of promise of more action later so we will see.

Well, today I went on a hunt for hidden candy that The Wife has stashed. She will probably be angry with me for throwing it away, but if she is serious about loosing weight, she cannot be eating candy bars.

Not much to say except that we have sort of progressed from her trying to prove herself to a somewhat regular sex life. I am actually pretty happy with 'regular' but loving sex. I admit that I still feel that she is trying to prove herself or 'win' a competition (that does not exist) but we will see how things go. We are taking two weekend vacations soon and we will see how things go then.