some days i wake up and wonder, will the pain of my depression ever go away? i wake and look in the mirror and dont like the person who is staring back at me. i would love just one day to wake up and be happy that i am alive. maybe this is all just a bad dream and when i wake from it, then my life will be happy.

as everyone has heard by now a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die. recently had a friend who was young pass away so got me thinking about all the stuff i want to do before i die, and i found my old bucket list from a few years ago and decided i would start working on it and some i have already done. here's my list.


1 Attend a UFC Event
2 Meet a UFC fighter
3 Own my own house
4 Make someone's life better without trying
5 Have someone love me for me
6 Have an MMA fight
7 Get my BJJ black belt
8 Travel to Ohio and train with Rich Franklin
9 Wake up everyday and know I have a good life


some of the stuff i have already done and some will take some time but i want to do all that stuff

i apologize for all the wrong i've done. if you thought i was perfect, i apologize for being human, but never again, you can bet your life on that.

some people asked me why i started doing mma and why i keep doing it? the reason i started doing it was to really just piss my parents and friends off, cuz no one really thought i would keep doing it, so three years of hard work later i finally got my brown belt. most people will look at that and think 3 years for a brown belt? well people dont realize that for years i couldnt look myself in the mirror, i didnt like the person i was becoming and i didnt go to the gym, i had a hard time getting up in the morning and wanting to go the gym and train, not just go the gym. when i got the job i have now i think a light clicked on in my head that you know what? i am a good person, i can have what i want and i think i deserve to be happy, even if that means i wont be online as much. i know certain people here dont really care about me or my happiness and to them i say fuck you and move on, i should have cared less about others and care more about me. its been awhile since i trained this hard and was able to get up everyday and look in the mirror and see that i am who i am and if you cant like yourself than what good are you to the rest of the world? i may not be perfect looking or in the best shape but i am at least trying to improve myself, how many of you can actually say that?

been awhile since i was able to really enjoy doing mma like i have done for the past few months, tonight i achieved something that i never really thought i would do and that was get my brown belt in kickboxing class, should be able to say that at this time next year i will be a black belt so am happy to say i am healthy and happy to be back to my old form.

Some days I wake up and wonder why I get to wake up and other more truly deserving people dont wake up. Sometimes there are all sorts of disasters that hurt people and they dont really deserve to be hurt like they are. Somedays its like I am not worthy of being alive and yet I live. Days when I come in here I cant figure out why people find me ''sexy or attractive'' because I dont feel that way about myself at least not today.

lately i have been wondering what do i really want out of my life? i know most peoples answers will be something like: someone to love them, money, childeren, fame or stuff like that. I really cant see myself wanting most of that stuff besides money. I dont want kids, I am not sure i really want a wife at all, and well fame yea dunno if i need that in my life. Everyone says that there is a person out there that will love me for me, and I kinda used to believe that but now adays I kinda have to wonder how true that statement is. I aint nothing to really look at, dont have alot of smarts, dont really have a love for anything besides mma and video games, and just am an all around shy guy.

"Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price." Vince Lombardi

When I first started on this site, I never really thought I would stay long. I never thought I would make friends like I have or even ever post a pic. But recently I kinda have started to remember my feelings from the first few months of me being here. I didnt really have a good frame of mind when I first was here, I was kinda depressed and wasn't sure I would actually be alive as long as I am. There have been people here who I can say have truly saved my life, they have always been here for me and never had a harsh word for me. The people who know what I am talking about have been told by me recently how they truly have helped me along my life and without them, so to them I say thank you and there is nothing I can ever say or do that will change how much I truly do love you people for being there for me.

to everyone i have wronged in my last blog including ratta and mr o, i truly apologize you both have been nothing but nice to me since joining here. what i said and did was uncalled for and i am truly sorry and hope you will accept my apology