People have often said to me "you just have to have confidence". How do they expect a guy who knows that he's unattractive (been told that enough times in my life), and has been flatly rejected by women countless times even when he's not trying to be anything more than polite, to have any confidence when it comes to talking with females? Women have overwhelmingly made it clear that they aren't interested in even getting to know me. I see women saying that it's not about looks but sorry that's what gets you in the door in my experience. When women won't give you an opportunity to let them find out that you're a good guy, it can only be because they aren't single (and that's totally fair) not looking at all (again, fair), or judging you by how you look. I know that my face scares people. Men and women alike. But seriously, how can a guy possibly feel confident when women consistently let you know not to bother talking to them, right away?

I made a new friend a few months ago, and she definitely wants more of a relationship with me than I do with her. She's a nice person and we generally get on quite well, but there are things that irritate me away too much to be in a more serious relationship with her and I've made it clear that I don't see that happening. So we have kept it to friends whom occasionally have sex.

She told me that she wants to have a threesome with me and another woman (she's bi and knows that it would be a fantasy come true for me) something she's done before. She asked me if I'm interested, to which I responded in the affirmative. I've always wanted to have a woman straddle my face while another rides me, but have accepted that as difficult as it is for me to find one woman who will give me the time of day, finding a second is damn near impossible. So, I've always just written it off. I told her as much, too.

She asked me the other week if I'd given any more thought to the idea and how I'm going to go about finding another woman to join us. I told her no, of course, because of exactly what I said above. I'm glad I've met a woman who isn't...... shall we say... offended by the way I look, but I can't help wonder how she thinks I'm going to be able to find a third to join us. My track record off talking with women and being told to fuck off is pretty strong. I'm pretty sure she's been with more women than I have, so the odds are more in her favor. Not only that, but it was her idea. I never suggested it or asked for it. I also can't help but wonder if it's not a trick on her part. That she thinks I'll be more inclined to have a serious relationship because I think I'll get my fantasies fulfilled if I do start dating her.

I'm listening. Straining to hear that which speaks without words. Have I lost my hearing? Or has my mind been so dulled by a lack of use that I no longer am able to make sense of it's language? I search for something to tell me that is not the case, in every thing. Having allowed myself to be seen naked and vulnerable, I feel the need to hide from the sting of the silence that lashes me. The cold waters beckoning and promising to love me forever.

I was talking with a close female friend of mine over the weekend. We were talking about our lives and dating in general, as we both have been single for some time. She told me that she wouldn't be my type since she knows that both of the women I dated are rather busty. It got me thinking that the few women that I've ever had sex with, aside from one, were all rather well endowed. Now I admit that I like boobs. Who doesn't? But, just because the few women that were willing to give me a good time have bigger ones, does that really mean that I am only attracted to women with large breasts, or is it just that I so happen to to have been able to get my hands on them? I'm curious what other people think.

I hope that none of you ever find yourselves in my situation. That of being a person with a high libido who's only option for having sex is their ex who you won't have sex with because they have treated you like shit despite all the things you did for them over the years. The ex who constantly is trying to get you to have sex with them and no matter how tempting it is, you still have to say no. This shit sucks. FML!

I was thinking recently about the number of times I could (and maybe should?) have died, only to somehow avoid my demise. This brought me to pondering the idea of the existence of a deity who, for some unknown reason(s?) has deemed it necessary for my life to continue. But then I thought "what if it's the other side only keeping me alive so that I can suffer more from their torture"? I'm not a religious person, so I'm not one to believe in demons, good vs. evil and all of that. This whole line of thought is really just a rabbit hole my mind went down, but it brought up such interesting ideas to ponder, or consider for a short story.

I came across this old painting I did. I always liked the way it turned out.

So I decided to download and try a dating app. For my own privacy, I'm not going to say which one. I made a profile that said a little about me (positives) and my interests. I did the personality type assessment and I put pictures of myself. Yes, pictures of my face. Those of you who know me well enough, know what I've had to say about the train wreck that is my ugly mug. I perused the profiles of females on the app and reached out to 150 women of varying ages and backgrounds. Out of those 150 women that I sent some sort of message to (all appropriate, I promise) not 1 responded. 0/150, who would have guessed it? Oh wait, me. I did.

I tried finding women with personality types that "matched" to mine. The same for zodiac signs, in case there's any validity to that. I even tried with women that supposedly wouldn't be a good match for me. I got nothing.

I feel I can attribute my lack of garnered interest to one or more of the following.

A: Phony profiles, though this seems like an outlier.
B: Profiles that are no longer active. A more likely possibility.
C: They saw my pictures and said no thank you.

I know which one my money is on.

I'm not a religious person, but I've had enough experiences that were a little (a lot) too coincidental to be just that, having been. That said, I was thinking this morning on how similar my views are, in regards to God and women. Without either one, I would not exist. Both seem to hold a mysterious power over me. Neither owe me a damn thing and I would be foolish to think that either do. Lastly, both leave me with the feeling that I am not significant enough to be worthy of their attention.

I recently deleted all of my pics, because I thought "who really wants to see this?". I know people who would try to tell me that I'm being my own worst critic. Then there are those that were very kind to me and say nice things in order to help me feel better about myself. I appreciate their thoughts, but I know that I'm not what any woman wants to look at and/or fantasize about (My ex wife probably fantasized about anyone else she could think of, when we did have sex. Kinda surprised she never asked me to wear a mask, TBH.), so I decided- what's the point? My initial thought on posting here, was that there's that slim chance that I'd get some comments that would help me see myself in a different way. That maybe it might help my self esteem, but no. The strange thing to me is that now that there's no pics posted, that would draw any attention to my profile, my profile views count continues to go up. Which, to me, begs the question- who's looking?