Recent events in our lives have my friends talking about deep things. Last night the question was asked, “How do you want to be remembered?”. I sat and listened. Took mental notes as people I love shared their thoughts. I know myself well and If it is what they want, I will carry them with me everywhere I go. I will dazzle others with tales of funny times, good times, tender times. I will help them live on.In every way that I can.
I know I am a lucky man. Luckier than I have any right to be. I have many friends that I love with every ounce of my being. I also don’t ever doubt that they love me. Still, when it was my turn to answer I couldn’t . I couldn’t tell them that my answer is that I don’t. I don’t care to be remembered. When I’m gone I just want someone else to fill my space. To be to them whatever it is they needed from me. To leave without a trace. Just gone.
I want my friends living in the moment. Looking always forward to better things. Not siting around thinking about me.
Selfish? Maybe. To quote a song I love, “You cant put your arms around a memory.”

My Two Cents
Just be a reasonable person.
You don’t have to smile all day long.
Or adopt puppies
Or feed the homeless
(Though, those are not bad ideas)
Don’t even have to give a shit about most things.
Suit yourself.
Just give enough of a fuck about yourself
Then maybe you won’t hate
Every fucking thing and person around you.
Ok that was four cents.

I’m writing to make myself feel better. This I understand. I also understand I can’t keep doing this. So this one is the last one.
We had our annual Mardi Gras Party. As usual it spilled over into the next day. We definitely drank to much toasting your stupid ass.
It was strange with it being the day after your memorial service. But that affair was small and private.You aren’t a small and private type of guy. Everyone you loved was at the party. We spent a lot of times telling stories about you. The band dedicated their set to you. It was glorious. You would have loved it.
It was also a band aid ripping off kind of weekend. A get used to how your new reality is gonna be kind of thing. I hope I’ll start believing the lie I’ve been telling everyone. I’ll be ok.

Sitting around listening to a some playlists a friend sent me. Tomorrow is his funeral. Tonight I am smiling. You see, we lived our life around music. Songs aren’t just songs to us. Music not just music. We’d talk about bands that wrote better songs than we ever did. Search for truth or inspiration in their lyrics. Discover things about ourselves and the world. Some songs would remind us of certain people, places, or times.
If I tried to make a playlist of songs that remind me of him it would be thousands of songs long. I’ll remember him every song I hear. Look for him in the crowd at every show I go to. Make room for him on the mic every time I sing. Feel his presence in every song I write. Sing along forever. Smiling.

I was in the middle of updating my status, which is a place here that I go to ease my mind. A place to laugh and to get away from thoughts. That’s when I got the call that you’d found your own way to ease your mind, to get away from your thoughts. I can’t say I don’t understand .I just didn’t see this coming. I hope your demons are erased. Your thoughts quieted. I hope you were listening to your favorite song. I don’t know why I am writing this here. I guess we all have our secret places.
Right now i’m just mad at you. We always said we’d go down with the ship together.
Rest in Power My Friend