kitsune89's blog post - That One Important Part I Forgot

So by the time we met the relationship was fading. By the time, I crossed the line it was "over". It didn't stop what I knew would happen from happening. I got a few months of bliss. Of fooling myself. Of believing you. Of lying next to you, in your arms, under you, over you. Completely enveloped by you. I gave pieces of myself to you I didn't know I couldn't afford. I knew somehow that first night despite what you said about how "over" it was. I knew you were borrowed. I knew it wouldn't end well. The knowledge didn't stop me. I knew where it was headed, I just never expected the end was coming so sharply & swiftly. 8 months later & I'm still reeling. I don't want to give you back. You were borrowed. I don't believe you belong to her. I don't believe you left me for her. It doesn't stop the fact that you were never mine. Nor does that stop the fact that I was entirely yours. I keep expecting with every year that I'll get wiser & less headstrong. And people like you come along & knock me down to where I was a decade ago. A teenager again. A fool. You are not a regret. You are not a mistake. I know somewhere there is supposed to be anger here... I get that. This pain is mine to walk through & somewhere along the way for at least a moment, I'm sure to hate you. I don't need to know exactly what was true to know part of it was false. I don't have to remind myself how open I was with you & how much you knew. I don't need to shout out my indignation at your unreasonable promises. I don't need to beat the walls trying to find some bit you left behind. I don't need to try to remember your face (it's burned on the inside of my eyelids just like your touch is burned on every inch of my skin). There seems to be nothing practical for me to do to exorcise you from my life. You are here daily. In so many little ways that I do my best to ignore them. This. This practice along with the determination to destroy the girl that you "loved". This is what has put me here. 8 months. I won't mention how short our time together was. But really.. I should be further along. I find myself on the edge of the heartbreak, peering in but terrified. Viewing the way I reacted to you, the way you reacted to me. I can hardly address the falling apart. What I without question cannot address is the falling together. For all the wrongs, for all the fuck ups, for your supposed intentions that were likely just another palace of lies built to fall down on top of me, I can't deny what I felt. I can't know what you did. I don't want to. The truth is nearly never so good as what we wish it to be. I want the best for you but I also hope, that somewhere in some untouchable, unhealable place that you feel this twisting, flailing pain that you've inflicted on me. I hope your worry is a third of what I feel for you. I hope somehow I cross your mind. But no. I don't want that. Not even fleetingly. I don't want to walk in your mind. I don't want to live in your soul. I don't want to breathe in your heart. I want to tear you from all these places of myself. But how is that possible when the most beautiful version of myself was born in your eyes? The most potential, realized in your arms. Yes. I can go on without you. Yes. I will. I move forward. Sluggishly. Not entirely at my own will. But foot in front of foot, I am. I survive. I will strive again. You will not always own me.