kitsune89's blog post - Beauty in the falling apart??

Thursday, June 21, 2018, 3:28:31 PM

I've been silent here again. I went through a really good/strong time but lately I don't know what's going on with me. I quit my job a couple of weeks back in a really uncharacteristic way. It's funny because I thought to myself this morning, "I'll go blog. That always makes me feel better." But now that I'm trying to type this out, I find myself unwilling to put it into words. I guess there is more shame associated with this breakdown than usual. In some ways, I am maintaining rather well. I am still not drinking. Have not had a drink since August. On the other hand, I find myself suddenly quite incapable of coping with life. I've hit a point where I just cannot keep going. Thank Goddess for my friends that support me. I'm going to be moving in with my best friend within the next couple of weeks. It will definitely be good for both of us (mostly me though because I'm a goddamn wreck right now). But. I have to get rid of my cats because she has 3 dogs & 2 cats already so there's no way to integrate my 3 cats that are not socialized with dogs into the household. Even if it was just the two cats, it would put a lot of stress on the animals. I've never felt more like a failure in my adult life. I have overcome so much in the past decade. I am just worn down though. Completely fucking exhausted from holding it all up alone. I've had this apartment for 5 years now. My oldest cat is 8, the youngest 2.5. I've never quit a job so irresponsibly. It's like I'm losing everything that has identified me as an adult. I thought it would be easier without alcohol. It's definitely better than me being drunk while all of this is going on. My choices are certainly more thought out (except that quitting my job thing). It's just hard to explain what is going on with me because I am not sure. One of my friends asked if I'm having a midlife crisis. Maybe it's something like that. I don't know. No alcohol. No job. Soon no cats & no more place of my own. Everything is so strange. I'm just trying to survive though.

Comments

Others Have Said:

justcuz on 21-Jun-18 15:35:20

It's tough to hang on to all the responsibility all the time so maybe moving in with someone else will relieve that burden for a while. Once you get your head/self straight you can go back to doing it all on your own. I know it's a tough row to hoe but you need to just do whatever it takes to get through. I have faith that you will bounce back again even stronger than before.. call it long distance virtual support. As my mum used to say, it's always darkest before the dawn but the dawn brings a new day.

sidders73 on 24-Jun-18 23:04:53

You'll come out of this stronger.

You're not a failure.

You're awesome xxx

kbd500 on 24-Jun-18 23:58:08

Hey, I live in Dallas, put house on market and it sold in 4 days. Wife and I are on rocky terms, I drink too much, and spending 22 years, raising 4 kids, and moving into apartment 7 days later has been an eye opening event for both of us. I feel your pain, but this side of the soil is the best.

Fierceboy on 30-Jun-18 8:26:35

Fuck. Crisis time. That sucks and I hate it for you, girl. It's a hard place to be for sure but every one of us can relate. I hope you can find the energy and discipline to knuckle down and work in this upsetting time towards what you want and need. I hope that peace and fun is just on three horizon for you. If you need an ear, you know how to contact me. *hug*

dziga on 11-Jul-18 11:06:25

For myself, part of the difficulty of quitting drinking was that drinking felt like it fixed something that was wrong with me. I find that the lack of feeling that internal fixing led to some things, anxiety and frustration, coming out sideways in impulsive decisions like...quitting a job when it was a bad idea.

The biggest fix for myself was finding something that could act as that "fixing" that I was missing from drugs and booze.