kitsune89's blog post - Days 7 & 8 in Reverse

I'm starting with today's assignment because I did not want to do it & writing it hurt. I'm ashamed of my own answers to these questions. But also pridefully defiant of that shame. I am human. That is all.

The assignment was to answer the following questions:
1. What is my biggest fear?
2. Write down what would happen if it happened.
3. What then?
4. What then?
5. What then?

What are at least 3 of the masks my fear wears?

1. I'm afraid I'm not capable of allowing myself to be loved anymore.
2. If this is true, I will never experience true intimacy again. I will always feel less than. Maybe I'll implode. I won't feel complete. If this is true, my truest joy might all be in the past. It might be something I experienced only because I was still naive enough to believe I was capable of it or that anyone was capable of giving it.
3. Then I will wallow in secret and show a strong face as if feeling this way wasn't the most humanly natural thing in our world.
4. Then I'll keep telling myself that I am enough. That this world is made up of an endless variety of sorts of love. That romance was never the point. That a soul mate isn't necessary. That.... (*edit as I'm typing here. I literally put an ellipsis here because of what wrenches at my gut which is that I believe I gave up my soul mate. I told myself at the time that it was necessary for my journey & better for them in the end but I've never believed it)...I am enough.
5. Then maybe one day I will believe those things and not ache for days past or be envious of every couple I see. Stop comparing everyone to this love of that. Stop idolizing a ghost.

My fear wears a jaded mask trying to seem cold to romantic gestures and possibilities.
My fear wears a bitchy mask to push possibilities away.
My fear wears a mask of hypocrisy because I am as afraid of love as I am of never experiencing it again.
My fear wears a mask of gears and metallic things to convince me I am incapable of truly feeling love.
My fear wears a mask of memes to protest that love should not be the goal of a modern woman.
My fear wears a mask of yarn saying my life is not empty because I create.
My fear wears a mask of empathy to prove it cares for strangers so I must be worthy.
My fear is lost in the shuffle of these masks. I do not know its true face.



Now. That's out of the way. Yesterday's assignment was a haiku. I'll assume you're all familiar with what a haiku is. Mine went along with a lovely picture of a tree by the lake that I took on my walk a few weeks back. I can't simply upload that picture to my blog since I don't have it somewhere there is a url for it... so... you don't get the picture you only get the haiku.

Winds whisper gently
Limbs bend, kiss water softly
My spirit stripped bare


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