kitsune89's blog post - Clearing the Cobwebs

I've always had a hard time letting go of things & an even harder time letting go of people. Depending on how long (and how many profiles across) you've known me, you've watched this process a few times over. Hell, some of you may even remember the two exes who had their profiles here. It's easy to realize that neither of them nor any of my other exes scarred me in the way the one I have mentioned in this blog did. It's been almost a year and a half since he damn near destroyed me. While I feel like I've made a lot of progress in that time and in a lot of ways become a better version of myself, it disgusts me to say that his memory still affects me. Badly enough that I had a panic attack yesterday over what he did to me. What has always & will always disgust me the most about the fact that he still has some hold over me is that I feel like it makes me hold back with other people. Is it a daily struggle? Thankfully not anymore. It was for a long time. But any day that I feel like I did yesterday tears me back down to a point. I go completely numb to everything and get close to hating myself just for that. The last thing I want is for this sick place he still manages to hold onto in my head to have a negative effect on something that could actually be good (to put it mildly). I'm finding after yesterday's attack though that as I clear the cobwebs in my place, I'm letting go of another piece of him I didn't realize was still haunting me. It is so bizarre sometimes the things that trigger the hurt and how healing it can be to give yourself over to that pain. It's just another step towards getting this motherfucker out of my head completely and finally so that I can really move on with my life.