I had a friend. A very dear friend she is no longer with me or us if you prefer. I think of her daily. I see reminders of her in my home. She left me a couple of pictures, framed.
One is in my living room the other on my bedside table. I see them so often that they have become a part of my every day life.
Today an old pic of me, in my gallery, long forgotten was pimped in chat.
I took a look and the thing that immediately caught my attention was the bracelet.
As weird as it may sound I "won" that bracelet in a lottery of sorts. There were friends, there were pieces of jewelry. 7 women, 7 pieces... I had no connection other than via NN. I didn't ask for nor would it ever have occurred to me. I was sent an email telling me her wishes. I was included in a group of 7 women who meant the world to her.
Some how the other 6 accepted me, the virtual friend. They trusted her as I did and sent me that bracelet and copies of those pictures. The originals of course belonged to her daughter.
I wore that bracelet for years, then it broke and I could not afford to have it repaired. It has been sitting in my jewelery box feeling like a broken promise for years.
In some ways it seems like yesterday that we spoke and in others it was a life time ago. She died young, far too young. She has never been forgotten but that picture of me wearing her bracelet still shocked me.
Walking down memory lane,
ju

I would like to address competition.
Apparently all us bitches are supremely jealous of all the other bitches here and we are fighting tooth and nail to be the most popular bitches for supremacy.
Sorry. You are about to be disillusioned.
We are not "gagging" for your cock. In fact we care little about it. We do care about the cocks attached to the men we appreciate. We appreciate those men for a variety of reasons and will treasure their cocks not because they are cocks but because they are attached to caring, intelligent, humorous members of the opposite sex.
We care about the women on this site who have the same attributes.
We may not be close friends but there is a unity here.
We are united in so many ways. We may be close. We may just know each other in passing. We may agree or disagree but what we do not do is fight each other.
What you are allowed to do is appreciate what we chose to share.
What you are not allowed to do is degrade us in anyway.
Should you happen to have a woman you are introducing to the site you may want to rethink putting her on a pedestal and then telling the women that are already here they are shit because you know what? We would admire both you and her if you you expressed your love and respect. Should you ojbectify ... her well game on.
What we will never respect is being ridiculed.
Should you chose that road keep in mind you will reap what you sow.

I had a friend.
We came from very different places and in many ways had absolutely nothing in common but we trusted each other and that was what made the friendship.
That trust was broken. The friendship ended.
At the time I suspected it had nothing really to do with either one of us but another managed to throw such a huge monkey wrench in the works that neither of us were willing to see beyond that red hot anger and actually talk it through.
Feelings were too raw and we went our own ways. I had forgotten about that friend for a very long time until today.
It was another friend from back at that time who had nothing to do with the falling out and was actually surprised to hear about it, that reminded me.
I find myself sitting here wondering if enough time has past to repair the damage that was done. I wouldn't expect nor am I entirely sure I want this person back in my life but at the same time I have fond memories of the time before...
I wonder if they have ever had the same thoughts I have or if the damage caused by someone else is irreparable, so much so that even fond memories are impossible.
At the very least I hope they are doing well.
It would be awkward as fuck to start talking after all this time but I am feeling a certain nostalgia for what once was.
Walking down memory lane,
ju

Things are better. My hair has stopped falling out. My thyroid is normal, it was tested at the same time I had blood work done for my first maintenance treatment. I suppose I have a dermatologist appointment in my future to figure it out but for the time being I am happy to not see handfuls of hair in my comb!
I was unreasonably nervous for this treatment. I honestly don't know why but was approaching full blown panic attack mode when my ride arrived. Just getting into the car and having someone to have idle chit chat with calmed me but not completely.
I arrived to the smiling face of the one who has been there every single step of the way and that took more of the edge off but it was still there.
I was thankful to have the nurse I did. She is the most sarcastic one in the entire chemo suite. Minds matching minds, trying to out sarcastic each other getting more and more morbid by the second calmed me down. Her declaring my vital signs present and me saying it saves a trip to the morgue and her saying it saves paperwork and I was ready to just sit there for the 3 hrs and listen to the IV pump...
Time passed quickly. The usual side effects of puffy eyes and stuffy nose, feeling like I had been on a major crying jag when I hadn't was there. I was tired. more likely from the benedryl they double dose me with at the beginning than the drug itself. I was unhooked and free.
It feels funny to be there. I am in remission and still need treatment but the desperation is gone for now. I feel like a senior in high school. I know the drill. I can afford to be a little flippant but I still have to get into the college of my choice. I have completed my course and am onto the next unknown.
Right now I feel good. Really, really good and am getting back into walking. I was thrilled to do almost 2kms and think hey that wasn't bad!! Which is a big change from a few months ago when having a shower knocked me sideways for the entire day.
I have come a long way, mentally, physically and emotionally.
My journey isn't over by a long shot but the longer I am in remission the more likely a cure is to be found.
I am for the first time in a very long time, content.
ju

why I am even embarrassed but I am.
After completing my treatment things were looking awesome. Finished up with the fragmin and started on the low dose aspirin. At the same time i decided to try a new shampoo. I am not sure if either, both or neither are responsible but after getting thru chemo with no hair loss (my meds weren't the kind to cause that) I started to lose hair like crazy.
I was panicking. I called my primary nurse, and asked to go back on the fragmin and was refused because I am in remission. That alone was a big reIief. I was told to stop the aspirin to see if it resolves before my next appointment. I stopped using the shampoo and it continued to fall out.
I took a day off of work after the xmas holidays to see my GP, who had been away for the holidays, in urgent care. He took one look at my chart saw I had had chemo and looked at me as tho i was a total idiot. Even though I told him my last treatment was months ago. He asked me what I expected him to do. I replied help me find answers. Long stupid conversation later he gave me a requisition for blood work (thyroid), told me to have it done at the hospital with the rest of it that i will have done Monday.
I have never had the greatest hair, It has always been very fine and very tempermental but I had hair!
I have about half the amount I did.
It is so hard. I keep pulling it up to try and hide the worst of the loss. It is not patchy like you would expect with alopecia, it is an overall thinning.
I have so many other things that I need to be concerned about including my maintenance treatment on Tuesday (yeah back in the chair) and this seems so vain. I do try to put it in the back of my mind and carry on but fuck me. I am really having a hard time dealing with this!
The loss has slowed. I cant see the back/side of my head to notice new growth. All I see are the hairs i have been combing up to make a thin pony tail. I feel like the comb over queen...
I should not feel embarrassed about it but it is really doing me in.
I was told hair loss is difficult to diagnose and it is only the hair on my head that is affected but ffs enough already!!
Wish me luck Monday/Tuesday.
A trying to keep to together,
ju

Every now and then someone comes along and tells me how I am the antithesis to this site. My idle chit chat is a total turn off and I am the reason that this place fails on so many levels.
I used to be bothered by this kind of thing but the longer I am here the less it bothers me.
I have made friends here that go well beyond the online experience.
I have lost count of the NNers I have met and there are more I want to and will meet in the very near future.
I have vanished from view on many occasions because I am having a conversation that has nothing to do with the collective you.
I have laid myself bare here. You can read or ignore. You can take offense to it, relate to it or you can just pass it by.
Overall I keep a fairly low profile. I am not asking to be viewed. I am not posting anything particularly provocative but if you manage to ignite my sense of fun you will find all kinds of sexual innuendo and the kind of thing you originally came for IF you take the time to figure me out.
If you care nothing about the person behind the pics and are just looking to get off then we are never going to get along and that is just fine. Take your snotty attitude away from me. I care not.
What you will not do is intimidate me. I am here for my reasons and mine only. I really do not care why you are here.
I always have and will continue to connect with those that are real in the truest sense f the word.
I will continue to get to know people on my terms. I will not be bullied into being anything you think i should be.
I will welcome new people and get excited to see people I haven't seen in many years.
That excitement speaks volumes. I know those people. They know me. We have a shared experience you can only hope for.
Chill the fuck out, get to know the people you lust after and maybe, just may be your wildest expectations will become reality.
Slightly annoyed,
ju

It has taken me a while to wrap my head around all of this and I have not been a very happy camper. I should have been thrilled but as is often the case life is imperfect.
Last Tuesday I was back at the Dr and the good news from the recent CT is "complete response" The last node that was being a bit of a bitch is back to normal for now. I should have been celebrating again but this issue of the blood thinners came up.
I was initially told that I would have to inject myself for 6 months and as you know I have been counting down like a kid looking forward to Christmas.
I was told that I would have to have them forever. When I said I was hoping for a break I was given the option of Warfarin, weekly blood tests the possibility of never being stable with it and nixed that.
I was offered the option of low dose aspirin and was told that IF I am going to take a break now is the time to do it BUT it is only 40% as effective as the Fragmin. I jumped on it. I went out and bought it.
I am now paranoid as hell. 40% as effective does not give good odds. I have been in a funk all week.
I wanted that break I was promised. I feel like I physically need the break. I am not really supposed to take that break because "You have cancer! You are at a high risk of another clot!"
The Doctors words.
I thought I could deal with the uncertainty. I quickly realised I can't.
I am going to call tomorrow and ask for my prescription to be renewed and I will panic until it is in. I will jab myself forever because a few seconds each day and a few bruises beat the hell out of wondering about every little ache and pain which I was told to be hyper vigilant about because they could be another clot.
I have been feeling really, really sorry for myself,
ju

I am out of shape!
I had planed to go for a short walk today, just to get back into it. When K1 suggested I go along with her and the dog, I got to the let him off the leash, chase the ball place and had to bail. I felt good, really good and the weather was more like late September than early November but looking at the rest of the planned route had to bail.
By the time I got home and did a few chores I was toast.
I hate it. I really, really hate feeling so exhausted.
I know I should give myself a break but it is so hard especially when we are having such awesome late fall weather.
Fall is my absolute fave.
I want to fully enjoy it.
I can't and it is frustrating the hell out of me.
Whiny,
ju

Another count down from me but you have been here for most of it I am going to take you with me for the rest.
28 is the number of needles I have left to jab into my belly.
28 is the number of days that I have to look at myself daily in the mirror and see new bruises appear.
28 is the number of days before I start to see an improvement and can think of posting again!
I have missed posting. I have missed the challenge of getting a half decent pic and I have missed the rush that votes and comments bring.
28 days, 28 needles, 28 alcohol swabs. 28 days till I can get rid of the sharps container living on top of my fridge.
CT on the 14th, blood and Dr on the 22nd but in 28 days and I am done with the nightmare of injecting myself that brought me to tears when I found out this was something I had to do for the next 6 months.
Just 28 days and I can turn the alarm on my phone off.
I think I just may celebrate this
ju

This has been on my mind for the past few months. Actually since I started this journey you have to be sick of hearing about. I will not say this is the final thing you will hear me say on the subject but it is one that has had me alternately stewing about and becoming very angry with.
It was brought back to the forefront the other night by a comment that was left on my status post.
I want you to rethink the next time you chose to say some one is "battling with cancer"
It is not a battle. That implies that you have chosen sides. You have taken up a cause that you feel strongly about. It implies competition.
In reality nothing is further from the truth. From the moment you are diagnosed you submit. You have no choice. You submit to tests. surgeries, treatments. You submit to the very diagnosis itself. You submit to the drugs, the side effects and a reality you had no idea existed. You submit to needles being stuck in your veins over and over and are grateful if you are lucky enough to get away without a picc line or port and if you have to have those you are grateful to escape the pain that was being caused by those needles.
You become accustomed to the indignities your body endures because your body has betrayed you and all you want is to feel normal. You submit because there is always someone who is submitting to much worse than what you are dealing with.
You submit because someone tells you they are sending their best wishes and you wish you were in a position to do the same.
There is no battle about it.
What may be perceived as a battle is submission. The willingness to accept at this point inevitable and to deal with it as positively as possible. That positive attitude may be inherent or it maybe a result of the now massive medical team that surrounds and treats you as not a mystery but as a sentient being that deserves to understand exactly what is going on.
What you may think is a battle is actually a very long series of times when you just have to say I can get thru this. It will only take 15 mins, 4 hrs, a week, 2 weeks or longer then I can be myself or a close proximity of.
You submit because you do not want to let the people around you who are staring at you like you are a bomb about ready to go off fall apart. You submit because damn it no matter how shitty things may have seemed they weren't all that bad and you just want to live for just a lil bit longer to see...to do. You submit and you tell others that are just starting on their journey not to worry because worrying is a waste of time.
Right now I am lucky. Very incredibly fucking lucky.
But I want you to understand. There is no battle. That is a misnomer. What there really are a bunch of bewildered people just trying to figure out what the hell just happened and making the best of it in many cases just so you do not fall apart.
Brave. Yes! Warriors probably not. Adaptable. Definitely.
Cancer is not the only disease that affects lives so drastically.It just happens to be the one that strikes the most fear possible because there are so many variables to the disease but there are so many others that are living, yes living with a disease that is just as confusing that deserve the same kind of respect.
I had to get this out.
Rant over,
ju